Many of us have been watching with great interest the incredible news about locating the two Missouri boys who had been abducted. When a child is reunited with family, what sort of general issues must be addressed and what steps should be taken to ensure the child’s healthy reintegration to family, school and community? 

We celebrate the rescue and return of Shawn and Ben to their families. We must first let go of doubts such as “Why didn’t he do something different from what he did?”  We should ask ourselves, “How in the world did he survive?” 

Shawn developed savvy coping skills during his long imprisonment. He should be complimented on his apparent ability to build friendships despite the terror surrounding him. As the community learns to support and not doubt Shawn, he will learn that he is valued and will be protected. This will also help his family with their reunion to not feel they have to explain or justify anything. Research is clear that confident belief in the victim of serious trauma definitely helps the survivor focus on “what I did to handle an impossible situation” rather than dwell on the darkness of “the terrible things done to me and how it’s partly my fault.”  For the family, after the jubilation, the question is how to get to know this “new” person in their midst. While much is the same, much has changed for the person who has spent years adapting to fear and the twilight zone of living with an abuser who masqueraded as father.

This is a time to go very slow. A time for normalization; where you play games, take walks, have good meals, try to rest, and just breathe. They will learn about each other tentatively at first and then more intensely. This is an important time for personal counseling for the boy to help him articulate whatever he needs to say and family counseling for everyone to listen clearly and carefully. A psychiatric visit may help determine if any aids are needed to help smooth anxiety or attain sleep. A good attorney can help immeasurably with navigation of the complexities of the legal system. Yes, he may have tough nights. He will probably have bad days. They all will. And, yes, they can keep a focus on the future, a knowledge that each day grows away from the tragedy and toward something better. In time, there comes a natural desire to “move on.” 

The natural survival skills honed through the kidnapping can be extended into rebuilding tools. For example, imagine facing the daunting prospect of catching up on four years of missed education. That’s a lot of homework! Growing into a well-managed curriculum can help build fresh accomplishments. There is nothing more important here than for the survivor to recognize himself as a competent, successful thinker and doer in a world far away from his former purgatory. However, as he eases back into an age-appropriate school environment, how shall he be anything other than a famous victim?  Many former abducted youth are taunted and bullied, sadly. The school must teach helpful information about abduction and enforce iron compassion. Parents of classmates are teammates in helping all the adolescents learn from this suffering.

As all learn to nurture post-traumatic growth, the potential in all of us to learn from even the most horrible lessons, then Shawn shall truly be rescued and restored to his family, his home. As well said by a teen who survived repeated rape and beatings by an abductor, and was well treated subsequently by family, community, and professionals, “I will never forget what happened, never.  But, now it’s like one percent of my whole life.”  Let’s be the other 99% for Shawn and all suffering children. 

Thomas Conran, PhD
Collaborative Family Associates
Saint Louis, Missouri  63124
314-607-8401

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