My wife and I are at our wit’s end. Our 14-year old seems so angry all of the time. We don’t know what’s bothering him and he can’t seem to tell us. He has angry outbursts at us and his younger brother and sister, ages 9 and 12. Maybe this is just part of a phase, but we’re struggling to figure out how to reach him or how to help him. What suggestions do you have to help us approach him?

What you’re describing may result from numerous causes – from some form of depression (presenting as irritable behavior) to social difficulties at school. Nonetheless, this anger coincides with your child’s movement into a new developmental stage. He is re-defining his relationship with himself, the world around him, and family. Since he’s your oldest, the family is moving into new territory as well, calling for new roles and methods of communicating.

You might begin by gathering more information. Check with teachers to learn about his relations with peers, motivation, and general behavior including attitude and mood. Consider whether you’ve noticed changes in friends, appearance, or habits (especially sleeping or eating). Observe and record interactions within the family. Then, meet with a psychotherapist to get help piecing everything together. This meeting also will provide additional information. I like having three separate meetings: one with the family to obtain a sense of its problem-solving, organization, and emotional climate; one with the child to get to know him; and a final family meeting to help it decide what it wants to do. Several positive signs bear mentioning. The fact that dad made the inquiry indicates his involvement – a huge plus. That there are two parents gives all the family members added flexibility and resilience. And if both parents can agree and support each other in parenting decisions before involving the children, the outlook is excellent.

John Borders
Child Center of our Lady
St. Louis, MO
314-383-0200

Anger is a natural, yet complicated human emotion. Everyone experiences it, but not everyone knows how to express it appropriately. Anger management involves self-awareness of issues pertaining to anger, identifying triggers, and developing coping skills and healthy expressions of anger. Using a few tips, you can help him learn to manage his anger successfully and improve family relationships.

When your child exhibits an angry outburst, it is important to take charge of the situation in a non-threatening way. Offer a controlled choice, for example, "I need you to either sit down or stop yelling." It’s important to not engage in a struggle of wills or to take an accusatory tone. After you have gained control, you can examine the cause of the outburst and try to resolve the issue. Most angry outbursts can be traced back to certain "triggers." Try to identify these by discussing the events that led to the outburst. Recognizing those events and behaviors will help you and your child understand his anger and what types of situations to avoid. Remember that the goal is to get the child to accept responsibility for his feelings. Work with him toward resolution, not victory. There are causes of angry outbursts. If you have tried to discuss the root of his anger and he can’t seem to tell you, it might be wise to seek help from a behavioral therapist.

David C. Thomas, Ph.D.
Director/CEO
Logos School

 Want to see other Open Mind columns?  Click here for Archive Index.

Go to Current Open Mind Column