We have three children, ages 9, 6 and 3. My husband and I are struggling with how to talk to the two older ones about their little brother’s terminal illness. It’s difficult enough for us adults to understand and cope with this, much less find words to explain it to our kids. Where can we turn for help? 

Children are affected by the serious illness of a brother or sister, living in a world with change, fear and unpredictability. It is important for them to be given as much accurate and timely information as they can developmentally and emotionally deal with, in a simple and accurate way. They need to be given a chance to ask questions. Unanswered questions may result in the creation of imaginary explanations that are more disturbing than reality. They also need empathy and acceptance of their feelings, as well as recognition of their worth within the family. Routines need to be maintained as much as possible. When children are anxious or scared, the structure and predictability of usual disciplines and guidance helps them feel more secure and calm. Creative activities such as drawing, painting, writing, photography and music can be very helpful as tools for expressing the many feelings a child may experience. There are also books and workbooks available from Compassion Books (www.compassionbooks.com) and The Centering Corporation (www.centeringcorp.com) that are helpful, as well as websites designed for siblings. 

J.J. Tellatin, MSW, CET
WINGS – Pediatric Care
Palliative Care
314-872-5050

Many issues confront a family dealing with terminal illness. Because the situation is so emotionally difficult for the parents to deal with, they often struggle with how to talk to each other, with the child who is ill, and with the other children. There are many resources available for families. The Chaplains at hospitals or at a local hospice organization are highly trained in talking with the person who is ill and with the family. There are also wonderful resources available online such as Dr. Alan Wolfelt at www.centerforloss.com.  Dr. Wolfelt is known nationally for his expertise in grief, and grief-related topics and how to talk to children about grief. In closing, children have a very literal and concrete style of thinking. When talking with children about the terminal illness, it's best to be as open and honest as you can about the child's illness, have open and honest discussions about the illness as a family.  It would be best to explain as much as possible without getting too technical with medical terms what's happening physically due to the illness.  It can as basic as saying that the disease is causing the body to "stop working" in a certain way, or that the doctors are doing as much as they can to keep the child as comfortable and pain-free as possible. The parent's explanation can also help mirror religious and/or philosophical beliefs.  Being as open and honest as you can with each other fosters a even closer relationship with everyone involved so that a family support group forms which will help everyone to support and care for each other during this most difficult time in their life. 

Pat Rankin
Baue Funeral Home
St. Charles, MO

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