I’m married to a man who provides well and cares deeply for our children and me, but he rarely shows outward affection. I believe this is a carry-over from his youth, but I see how our children miss the hugs and warmth I was lucky enough to receive from my father when I was a child. Is there any hope he can change? Could a marriage counselor help us?

Yes. Your husband can change. We humans have great capacity for change - when we choose to do so. It takes great effort and consistency to change. Many people lack the motivation, the tenacity, or both.

It is important to remember that culture dictates how affection is conveyed. I tend to agree with you, that outward affection benefits children. However, many well-adjusted, successful adults were raised in families that might seem rather cold to you and me. Whether or not your husband’s behavior is problematic is highly subjective.

That brings me to your second question. I would certainly suggest trying marital counseling. If you have a therapist who is skillful, caring and nonjudgmental, marital counseling can help you both to understand each other’s perspectives. Some therapists might recommend individual counseling. I would prefer marital because this is a marital issue. Marital counseling would help insure that all the important information would get to the therapy office. Finally, I would like to leave you with the peace of knowing that your outward affection will go a long way toward helping your children develop into loving and responsible individuals.

Jerry J. Bosse, Ph.D.
Aaron Psychology Centers
Maryland Heights & South County offices
314-275-7600

In my role as a counselor, I ask many questions to help me clarify what is being presented. It may also help you to think more clearly. Here are some things that I’ve wondered about. Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? You describe your husband as "a man who provides well and cares deeply for our children and me." It seems you know that you and your children are loved. You and your husband think differently about how that love is shown.

We learn how to parent from our parents. You talk about your father as a man who gave hugs and warmth. You do not tell how your husband’s father showed affection. Does your husband think that his form of parenting is appropriate because of what he experienced as a child? I don’t know whether your husband will change and give your children more hugs, however it may help to talk to him about it.

Why are you asking about marriage counseling at this time? Is it because you would like to discuss your differences with him but don’t know how? Could a marriage counselor help you and your husband? Probably. You may learn to discuss your differences of opinion. You may find new ways to communicate that make it easier to discuss difficult subjects. You may discover things about each other that draw you closer together. There are no guarantees, but it’s worth a try!

Emily Weir, L.C.P.C.
O’Fallon, IL
618-628-1080

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