My fiancé and I recently decided to become engaged. Things are going well for us and we are very much in love. Even so, I’m starting to feel nervous about our upcoming marriage. I’ve also been having difficulty sleeping at night and when I do fall asleep, I wake up feeling very anxious after having a bad dream. My fiancé keeps trying to get me to talk about it, but I don’t want to. We have a good relationship. Why do I feel so nervous?

Many people see marriage as an ideal; two people in love who promise to be faithful and committed in a lifetime partnership while surmounting all difficulties. Perhaps you are apprehensive because you know that statistics of marital longevity, in our present society, do not match the ideal. You probably know couples who have had major problems in their marriages, and couples whose marriages have ended. This may have happened even though they thought they had good relationships entering into those marriages. Life transitions require change and often we are not prepared for our reactions to them. Couples who choose to become engaged are "in love," and would assess their relationship as "good." In a good relationship, you are free to discuss concerns and feelings with each other. It seems that your fiancé wants to hear from you about your feeling of nervousness. I am wondering what keeps you from telling him more about the feelings, the bad dreams, etc.? I would encourage you to talk about it, as it may be as simple as a need for reassurance before this major transition in your life, or your feeling may be a signal that there are important issues within yourself and/or in the relationship that need exploring and answering. In the midst of this transition in your life, it can feel apprehensive.

Yvonne Rocco, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
Chesterfield, MO
314-205-9344

Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Consequently, some degree of anxiety is to be expected. Your nervous feelings may be the result of the fact that you take commitment very seriously. In the U.S., over 50% of the couples that say "I Do" end up filing divorce papers. According to the National Opinion Research Center of the University of Chicago, marital satisfaction has been on the decline for the last twenty-five years. Is there a solution? Mike McManus, founder of Marriage Savers, says, "Yes!" In churches where engaged couples participate in six months of premarital coaching the divorce rate has fallen significantly. First Presbyterian Church of Baton Rouge has only witnessed three divorces out of 800 couples since incorporating a premarital program. Leaders from fifty churches near Kansas City came together in 1997 to address the divorce problem in their counties. All of these churches agreed to have engaged couples go through extensive premarital coaching before their wedding day. Divorce rates in these counties have dropped a whopping 44% since 1997 (Candi Cushman, World, August 2001). So the good news is that you can do something about your nervous feelings. Time spent preparing for marriage is one of the best investments you will ever make. To request a free copy of "The Couples Communication Tip Sheet," call Marriage Matters at 314-302-7999.

Dianne Dodge, MSW, LCSW
Relationship Coach, Speaker
314-302-7999

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