When my wife and I married, we thought our ideas about parenting were very similar. But now that our daughter is in her early teens, my wife seems to think being our daughter’s “best friend” is the best way to parent. I see things very differently: parents should act like parents and leave the role of “best friend” to friends. This is starting to cause some real problems around our home, and I’m not sure how to handle it.
 

As the parent of a fourteen-year-old, I can appreciate how daunting it can be to parent a teenager! While they seek independence and consider themselves too old to be “babied,” they still have tremendous dependency needs, and aren’t nearly ready to leave the nest. Your task at this stage is to nurture their separation from you, and help them to mature into responsible adults. Though they’ll never admit it, they seek clear limits and boundaries, and the security of knowing that the adults are in charge and on the same page. When they’re willing to spend time with you, I encourage you to enjoy as many fun, quality moments with your child as possible. Don’t be afraid to let them begin to know other dimensions of your personality on a more mature level, while being mindful of appropriate boundaries in terms of how much you disclose to them. In addition, be mindful of what you ask of them, respecting their need for privacy and autonomy. It is especially critical at this time that there be no confusion as to who is the parent and who is the child, and that you maintain your role as one of the main authority figures in their life. 

Barbra Danin, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
West County Psychological Associates
314-275-8599

Raising children can be a special and rewarding commitment. Each child needs to be able to go through each stage of development successfully. This can only be done when parents are able and willing to support the child at each level as he/she transcends to the next stage of maturation, the teen naturally gravitates towards peer as they begin to develop their identity. Parents may want to remember this and not get their feelings hurt when their teens seem to prefer their peers’ companionship. Guide your teen by being the best parent you can be through love and discipline. Be there for them when they have concerns. Show them affection and build them up daily. You will be pleasantly surprised when the teenager moves into young adulthood. You will have nurtured a strong mature relationship with your special person that can last a lifetime. 

Feryle A. Cooper, Ph.D., LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Pais Counseling
314-361-4720

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