My brother and sister-in-law have started to talk about adopting a child and would consider either a domestic or foreign baby. I’ve heard about children who have difficulty "bonding" with the adoptive parents and I’m concerned my brother might face this situation. How is this possible with such a young child who comes to loving parents? How can he anticipate whether or not this could happen with the child he adopts?

A child’s ability to bond with or "attach to" others is strongly determined by what happens between the infant and caregiver in the first few months, when the brain is still forming and developing. Relating to a mentally ill or inconsistent caretaker or having the lack of any nurturing and loving relationship can physically change the "hard wiring" of the infant’s brain and result in an inability to regulate emotions and behavior. This may result in poor impulse control, a sense of alienation and separateness, and a lack of trust along with angry, controlling, attention-seeking hyperactive behavior. These children can have trouble accepting comfort and may be either overly affectionate or unable to express affection. A good caretaker relationship that is disrupted can cause the same things, as can sexual or physical abuse. More detail can be found in the works of Alan Shore, Daniel Siegel and Bessel van der Kolk. A prospective adoptive parent should find out everything possible about the infant’s background as well as that of the biological parents. Inherited temperament or mental health conditions can also affect the child’s ability to recover from early influences. Insist that social and psychological evaluations be provided and translated, if necessary. Contact support groups for adoptive parents for assistance in questions to ask.

Cindy Fritz
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Bridgeton, MO

Many people face this situation every year. Children available for domestic or foreign adoption either may have faced difficulties early in life that make it very hard for them to attach to any new family. These difficulties may take the form of physical or sexual abuse, neglect or multiple placements. When these things occur to children within the first two years of life, they can develop the lack of trust that characterizes Reactive Attachment Disorder. A child with this disorder will not be able to open themselves up to love regardless of how loving the adoptive family is. They have learned from the previous caregivers that it is not safe to love. The advice I give potential adoptive parents is to get as much information about the child’s early history as possible. If you are adopting domestically, I suggest getting a psychological evaluation done on the child by a therapist that really understands Reactive Attachment Disorder. Many families are not receiving this information until after the adoption is finalized. In international adoptions, families have a much harder time getting the information they need from the agencies. Potential adoptive parents deserve this vital information before they make the decision to adopt a particular child.

Beth Viviano
Parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder
Co-founder of St. Louis Attachment Network, a support group for parents 636-349-8344
info@stlattachnet.freehosting.net

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