I am a 36-year-old married mother of two children, ages 9 and 11.  My husband and I disagree about arguing in front of them. I say it’s okay as long as we don’t get out of control. He says they should never see us disagree, and we should always present a “united front.”  The problem is, we often disagree. Any suggestions?
 

Disagreement is a normal part of every relationship. Many adults grew up in households with violent, abusive, or conflict-driven environments. And for the extreme, others never heard a raised voice or witnessed disagreement between their parents. Both grew up believing that arguing was bad, abnormal or unnecessary. Either way, these types of families did not demonstrate that differences are normal and failed to provide a healthy model of conflict resolution, which is necessary for successful healthy family life. Very often, people from these opposite family types marry. In your situation, it would be helpful for your children to witness reasonably expressed disagreement and successful conflict resolution between you and your husband. Some intimate topics should be avoided, of course, but sit down together and decide what is acceptable for them to experience. As far as the “united front” notion, parents do not need to agree on any issue, only compromise on the solution. Kids need to see that people can disagree and still work together on a common goal. Help is available to build conflict resolution skills through books and classes as well as family counseling and coaching. Work to provide a healthy conflict resolution model for your children. 

Pat Hollinger Pickett, Ph.D.
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Professional Coach
Lake St. Louis and St. Louis County
1-877-Hire Coach or 636-561-8839

I commend you and your husband for being parents who want to raise their children in a loving home. Maybe this will help fine-tune the process already in place. In his book Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, George Bach poses three levels to couple dialogue: the discussion, the argument, and the fight. Let me share something our dog taught me about that. Whenever my wife and I have a discussion, a friendly sharing of ideas, the dog sits quietly. Should our voices take on emotional energy and an argument begin, the dog will slink to the bathroom and cower in the dark. Children are even more intuitive. They know that arguments are competitive with a win-lose component that can threaten the emotional climate of a family. If an argument goes unchecked, it can escalate into a fight where two people forget how to love, and they become swept away by waves of verbal and sometimes physical violence. Charlie Shedd once said, “The best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.” So let your children hear the two of you discuss things. When arguments happen, which they will, let the kids see you kiss and make up. They will remember that the best and forget the rest. 

Rev. Dr. Edward Arle
Pastor, Our Savior Lutheran Church
St. Charles, MO
Pastoral Counselor, Care and Counseling
St. Louis, MO
314-878-4340

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