My cousin, a 30-year old man who was married and had three children, recently committed suicide. His wife, who certainly abused the relationship by having occasional affairs, is feeling terribly guilty and responsible. It’s a very complicated and delicate situation. I don’t want to appear judgmental, but I think she needs professional help, especially for the sake of the children. How can I suggest this to her without sounding like I’m interfering? Or is approaching her about this out of line?
 

In the case of suicide, it is never “out of line” to mention to a surviving family member that you are concerned about him or her. This is definitely not “interfering.”  It is certainly appropriate to approach your cousin’s wife, and share with her that this must be a difficult time for her and the children. You can offer your understanding and support. But you can also tell her in a caring and non-judgmental way that you believe that she may need more help than you can give her. You may have to give her your reasons for saying this. Share with her that there are many helpful resources in the community for those left behind by a suicide, and offer to help her find a resource that best meets her needs and the needs of her children. There is no guarantee that she will accept your support or help. She may even tell you that it is none or your business, or that she is doing well and does not need any “professional” help. Even if she says something like this, let her know that you are there for her and her children both now and in the future. 

Vincent J. Marino, LCSW
Program Director
Family Support Network

Survivors of suicide experience a gamut of emotions including anger, guilt and feeling responsible for not being able to prevent the completion of suicide. Most often, survivors of suicide want to know the “whys” that lead their loved ones to this act. Sometimes the “whys” will never be fully answered to their satisfaction. As survivors grapple with the consequences and impact of this loss, it’s important for them to know that they are not responsible for the actions of their loved ones. Suicide occurs when stress induces psychological pain so intense and unbearable that death is seen as the only release from pain. Talking with a friend or someone who has been there and survived can be helpful. A counselor or a support group is invaluable to help survivors work through the trauma of suicide. Grief is a unique and solitary journey. Each one of us grieves differently. Your cousin’s wife can benefit by talking to a counselor about the loss of her husband, her past affairs, and being a single parent. Counseling can help her address her children’s questions, fears and concerns about their father’s untimely death. Encouraging her to seek professional help is not interfering as long as you don’t push her. She will seek help when she is ready. Call For Help, Inc. in Edgemont, IL, offers a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) support group on the first and third Thursday of each month from 6:00 pm until 7:30pm. Call 618-397-0975 for more information.  

Pearl P. Campbell, MA, LCPC, NCC
Program Director, Sexual Assault Victims Care Unit
Call for Help, Inc.

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