My husband and I recently learned from all three of our teenage children that they have been sexually active for quite some time. Aside from obvious issues like pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, what about their emotional stability? I’m concerned that this intimate behavior during the teen years, especially for girls, has an adverse affect on their ability to develop and maintain emotional independence. What tips do you have for a parent who needs help in talking to them about this?

Teenagers are complex, and talking to them about sex can seem like a minefield for parents. One of the primary tasks of adolescence is to figure out how to deal with sexual desires and how to incorporate sex successfully and appropriately into social relationships, e.g. when to have sex and under what circumstances.

Through family discussions, parents can help their teenagers develop the good reasoning skills they need to sort through the health, emotional, social, religious, moral and interpersonal aspects of sexual behavior. Specifically, you can help your child in defining his or her goals, generating options, and anticipating long-term positive and negative consequences. This is particularly important because although teenagers have developed more sophisticated ways of thinking, they are still developing socially, emotionally and even neurologically, and typically do not explore alternative solutions to problems.

The way you to talk to adolescents is also important. They are no longer young children when a simple "no" would do. It is more effective to talk in a way that is respectful of their newly developing intellectual capabilities. And remember that they think their friends are wise, much wiser than you, so be careful about criticizing their friends. They may be getting older, but they still need you.

Phyllis Terry Friedman, Ph.D.
Director, Psychological Services Center
Saint Louis University
314-977-2278

Generally, a 19 year old will be more emotionally prepared than a 13 year old. But if you have observed deterioration in any teen’s "normal" behavior, follow up. Your concern is that teenage sexual behavior may inhibit emotional independence. The ideal healthy relationship goal is "interdependence," rather than dependence or independence. Teen boys are also vulnerable in this area. Watch for a window of opportunity or find a teachable moment when your teen may be receptive at least to listening.

1. Touch base to be sure your teen has all the health facts.
2. Offer assistance with obtaining a private professional consultation/examination regarding sexually transmitted diseases.
3. Become "askable parents" by calmly expressing your opinions/concerns. Assure them that your opinions WILL NOT interfere with helping them if a problem arises or they need to talk. Emphasize that while you do not expect to make their sexual choices, you certainly hope that they do not let a prospective sexual partner persuade/decide for them either. (At least YOU would not have a vested interest.)
4. Both parents, BRIEFLY and within the comfort and interest levels of the family, should share emotional experiences regarding their own sexual behavior, ideally past and present. If YOU cannot talk about your sexuality, why should they?

Dr. Patt Hollinger Pickett
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Better People Place
St. Louis, MO
314-892-8138

Want to see other Open Mind columns?  Click here for archive index.