Recently my wife and I were shocked to learn that our 14-year old daughter was arrested for shoplifting. Until then, her rebelliousness was fairly typical of an adolescent making the transition from child to adult. But we’re really concerned now since her behavior has moved in the direction of breaking the law. What makes a child steal when they have money to pay for things? How can we know if this is the beginning of a pattern?

Research has consistently shown that most kids break the law sometimes during their youth, but only a very small percentage of these youthful offenders become adult criminals. Accordingly, your daughter’s shoplifting is not necessarily an indication of the beginning of a pattern of criminal behavior. More likely, her shoplifting may have more to do with adolescent experimentation or the result of peer pressure.

Although your daughter’s shoplifting may well not be the beginning of a pattern of breaking the law, we do feel that it is very important how parents and the community respond to your daughters’ shoplifting. If the police refer your daughter to the Family Court of St. Louis County, we will require her to complete the Shoplifting Program. In this program, we emphasize how shoplifting hurts the entire community and we try to teach kids empathy towards their victims. Our program’s statistics indicate that less than 10% of kids who complete the program are re-referred to the Court.

While we are pleased that our program has a positive effect on the children who participate in it, we believe that parents’ response to their children’s misdeeds are even more important. Our experience has taught us that the kids with the best chance for staying out of trouble have parents who help them accept responsibility for their mistakes.

Cathy Deck
Family Court of St. Louis County

The "Psycho Babble" phrase for such a behavior is termed, "Acting Out," a phrase describing the external behavioral expression of what is an internal emotional struggle. Possibly, your child with her behavior is crying out, "Look at me! I need some help!" Teenagers often face challenges that feel overwhelming like failures in their efforts to perform academically, socially or on the athletic field. There’s also the fear of being shunned by friends, peer pressure concerning drugs and alcohol, developing one’s individuality, and let us not forget the Mother of All teenage neuroses, getting your heart broken! Your daughter is likely "acting out" because something hurts inside. As parents, our lives are so busy that it is difficult to spend the needed time to really listen when kids are speaking. But we must, if we truly want our kids to flourish in life. Just listening without giving advice may feel like you are shirking your parental responsibility for setting limits, but it is in fact an excellent opportunity to communicate to your daughter that you are in her corner and you are ready to listen. It is the pattern of "all work and very little family time" so common in our society that needs to be of concern. If you invest the time to do this for your kids, the returns will be immeasurable.

Dr. Anthony Castro, Clinical Psychologist
Attention Deficit Center/Affiliated Psychotherapists
314-991-7779

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