I need help desperately, but don’t know where to turn. My husband is usually very kind and certainly does a good job in providing for us. However, he has an explosive temper and when this happens, he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly. The children fear him and so do I. I’ve tried to talk to him but that seems to start another rage. I need help.
 

Your concern about your husband’s recent uncontrolled anger towards you and your children is appropriately characterized by your phrase, “need help desperately.” Although there is much unexplained in your letter regarding your husband’s actual behavior and what provoked it, there is a strong hint of potential violence. Even if hubby’s rants are entirely verbal, this can still be a damaging traumatic experience for your children, as well as for you. Sticking around to take more abuse in the hope that he will change may be a dangerous move. I suggest you act quickly and contact an organization like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or at the website www.ndvh.org). They can direct you towards a safe strategy to exit this situation before any physical violence erupts. You may need to relocate while it is determined whether your husband is willing to receive professional help for his volatile, rage-filled moods. A mental health professional should assess the nature and cause of his behavior, should he be willing to subject himself to a diagnostic interview with a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor or social worker.  (Note: Some individuals are ultimately willing to work on their anger management issues to a resolution. Others are just playing a game to placate the partner or to obtain permission to return to the household, where they may re-initiate their old tantrum behavior.)  I also suggest family counseling for you and your children. 

Larry Kiel, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist

Your safety and the safety of your children are of paramount concern. Your family shouldn’t have to live with fear and violence. Even if your husband’s violence doesn’t escalate to a lethal level, there can be life-long negative effects on all of you. Children in violent homes experience great trauma. Seeing one’s mother battered by your father is a form of emotional abuse. Children of battered women have an increased risk of depression, academic problems, substance abuse and delinquent behavior. You can start immediately to reduce the impact of the violence. Help is available from agencies in your area. The first step is to call a domestic violence hotline. In St. Louis, call the Women’s Crisis Line at 314/531-2003. In outstate Missouri, call the toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Both hotlines are answered 24 hours a day. The woman who takes your call will understand your situation, provide emotional support, and help you begin to do what we call “safety planning.”  She will also discuss the options open to you and refer you to agencies that can help. Every woman’s life circumstances are different and you will be able to take the next step with support, when you are ready to do so.  

Barbara Bennett, Executive Director
Women’s Support and Community Services
St. Louis, MO 63139
314-646-7500

Want to see other Open Mind columns?  Click here for archive index.