I just learned that my mom, who is only 60 years old, has cancer. My dad died when I was a teen, and I lived at home until I married at age 26. Mom and I have always been really close and now I just cannot handle knowing she is going to die within the next year because of this terminal disease. I’m an emotional mess all the time. I’m either mad, crying, in a state of panic, or incapable of doing anything from start to finish. My mom actually seems to be handling this better than I am. What or who can help me?

I’m very sorry to hear of your suffering as you anticipate - and dread - the loss of your mother, the emotional anchor you have relied upon for so long. The intense feelings you describe sound like the grief of someone who endured an early major loss – your dad’s death – a wounding event than can resonate painfully whenever another loss threatens. You may sometimes fear that your mom is already gone from you, or feel as if you are once again that hurt and frightened teenager. While shock and sadness are normal, I suspect that you will not want your anxiety to disrupt these precious remaining months with your mother: sharing stories, befriending her during her illness and treatment, making plans together for her last days (and afterward). Offering yourself empathic support and clear, accurate information about the expected course of this illness will help you stay open and present to your mother, your husband and yourself. By contacting the Wellness Community (314-238-2000) or area hospitals with cancer treatment centers, you will find groups providing education, stress relief and emotional support, both for cancer patients and for those who love and care for them. If, after making these connections, you find your symptoms remain disabling – and separate you prematurely from your mother – do allow yourself to seek psychiatric care or grief counseling.  

Suzanne A. Doyle, RN, LCSW, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist
Threshold
314-781-8444

Being angry, tearful, highly distractible, or in a state of panic are common reactions to the news that a loved one has a terminal illness and may die within the next year. Though there may be very little you can do concerning the course of your mother’s illness, there are several things you can do for yourself and for your mother. Since your mother has been handling this, it may be helpful to talk with her about how she wants to put her affairs in order. Though these conversations will be tough for both of you, they can help you as your mother’s illness progresses because you will know what she wants and she may feel more at ease. Taking care of yourself is extremely important during this time of crisis. Spend time with friends who can be supportive. Make sure you are eating nutritionally, getting enough sleep to feel rested, and doing physical activities you enjoy like walking or yoga. Another way to take care of yourself is to join a support group for family members at a hospital’s cancer center in your area. If you continue to feel sad, angry, panicked, can’t concentrate, can’t sleep well, or feel depressed continually for more than a few weeks, you may wish to see a counselor or therapist who specializes in anticipatory grief counseling. 

Marsha Moore Andreoff, LPC
314-432-4556

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