My ex-husband and I have been divorced for more than a year, but our two children, ages 7 and 12, are still having problems adjusting. The seven-year-old continues to hope her father and I will get back together, even though she knows he has a serious girlfriend. When I ask the twelve-year-old what’s bothering her, she won’t talk to me. I’d like to find out about group counseling for kids affected by divorce. 

Divorce is a loss. And although is may seem odd to think about divorce as being the death of a marriage, it may help you better understand your children's feelings and behavior -- and perhaps even your own. Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss, the time it takes to adjust depends on the individual. How children react – or act - depends on a variety of factors, including age, personality, emotional maturity, and life experience, as well as parental attitudes and actions. Thus said, the experiences you describe in your letter are common to children of divorce. Because the affects of divorce ebb and flow as youngsters move through the stages to adulthood, I commend you for seeking some extra support for your children now. Group counseling gives children and adolescents with similar concerns a safe, therapeutic way to explore their feelings, talk about tough issues, and learn skills that can help them handle the changes and choices that are part of life. In my experience working with children affected by divorce, both as a certified school counselor and now in private practice, I've seen the benefits that group counseling can offer. That's why running counseling groups for children of divorce is an important part of my practice. If I can be of assistance to you and your children, please don’t hesitate to call.  

Jeanie Ransom, MA
Creve Coeur Counseling Associates
939 Gardenview Office Parkway
Creve Coeur, MO 63141
636-978-4080

You bring up a very common question. It is not a surprise your children are responding the way they are at their ages. Many children at adolescent ages experience divorce may become angry and reject one parent, take their aggression out at school, or show physical symptoms of a sickness. What lies underneath can be insecurity, self-blame, parental blame, or helpless. Parents who are accepting and willing to deal openly with these actions and emotions can only help their child go through the difficult journey of divorce. I ask that you be honest about your feelings with them and reassure them of your love. Your honesty and willingness to be open allows for better communication in your relationship. Reassuring your love and confirming they are not to blame can help them build self-esteem and comfort. One way of knowing you are on the right track with your children is when they are sharing and you are listening, when they are sharing and you are validating their feelings, and when they are sharing and you are accepting of them. A gift of listening goes a long way. At Provident, we see many families come in for family therapy when experiencing divorce. These families tend to improve their relationships when they learn acceptance of one another and active listening skills. Your request for groups for your children can also be extremely helpful for them. We are grateful to have an agency in St. Louis dedicated to children experiencing divorce by providing groups for kids. I wish you the best as you go through this rough time. If needing to take an extra step and seek professional help, contact Provident at 314-533-8200 or Kids In the Middle at 314-909-9922 for more information. 

Kristin Bulin, MSW, LCSW
V. P. of Counseling Services
Provident Counseling
St. Louis, MO 
314-371-6500 ext. 1145

Want to see other Open Mind columns?  Click here for Archive Index.

Go to Current Open Mind Column