My sister-in-law compulsively spends money and is running her family into bankruptcy for the second time. Her holiday shopping really brought things to a crisis. My brother has attempted to reason with her in the past, but it does no good. She refuses counseling of any type and my brother worries that divorce will cause him to lose custody of their daughter. Is compulsive spending a mental illness? What can he do when she refuses to change?
 

While compulsive spending may not be a designated mental disorder, the overspending is directly affecting the quality of your brother’s family life. Overspending is similar in nature to compulsive gambling. It is often a misguided attempt to fill an emptiness of the soul and substitute for purpose and meaning in life. It often occurs in individuals who have suffered unspoken and/or tremendous losses. Scientifically, it is being examined as an “activity addiction,” much like gambling, eating or sexual disorders. There is speculation that these “activities” can affect our brain chemistry in the same way that substances such as alcohol and drugs affect our brain chemistry. It has become vital in our culture of abundance for families to develop a healthy relationship to money. Left unattended, this pattern of living can lead to divorce, depression and suicide. Your brother needs to start acting like this is his financial life and marriage, too. When one partner is lost, the other partner needs to hold steady and seek the help that they both need. Your brother can start the process by contacting a mental health professional who specializes in these issues and start his own counseling. He can find professional resources by calling 1-888-BETS–OFF. He can also attend 12-Step meetings such as Debtors Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous or Alanon. 

Arlene C. Miller, LCSW
Private Practice
314-842-0006

There is a likelihood of spending addiction here. Often considered an impulse-control disorder, it has elements of compulsive behavior. Usually, for persons who can’t control their spending, there is also depression present. Sadly, this problem doesn’t usually respond to reasoning; the spender is escaping reason and entering into a dreamworld where everything is wonderful once a new item is acquired. The bubble often bursts soon after the purchase, which is often hidden from family members who would disapprove. Shame and confusion overwhelm the uncontrolled spender, leading to anxiety and depression which set up the next spending spree. A careful clinical analysis must be done to rule out additional mental health problems. Individual therapy can be very effective for the compulsive spender and I often try to involve the spouse or partner in a supportive role. Resistance to professional help is almost to be expected. A loving, supportive family intervention may be necessary, and the aid of a trusted friend may also be solicited. Several interventions may be necessary before this woman’s fears of being shamed or labeled can be overcome by the compassion of her family. This approach should be considered before a notion to divorce the over-spender is entertained. Most compulsive spenders are aware they are doing something self-destructive and threatening to their family’s financial well-being. They can also be in denial about their lack of impulse control, and believe that their fantasy purchases are somehow beneficial to themselves or others. 

Larry Kiel, Ph.D.
Director, The Behavioral Counseling Center
314-821-4357

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