My husband and I recently divorced, and of course, it’s impacted our children. How can I gauge what’s normal in their reaction and when I might need some help before the situation becomes too drastic? 

It’s important to realize that every child is affected by divorce. Whether the parents’ breakup was expected or a surprise, amicable or hostile, children will be affected in some way. At the very least, most children will be sad, worried and/or scared, and perhaps, angry. Sadness comes from the realization that the family will never be the same. Children often feel lonely and miss the parent they are not with. They may cry a lot or isolate themselves. Or, they might try to be the “perfect” child, thinking that will help. Worry and fear are very common. Children worry about changing homes, changing finances, about not being loved (especially if one parent remarries). Young children may often regress to earlier behaviors that they had outgrown, such as bedwetting or thumb sucking. Anger is the natural next step in grieving the loss of the family. Kids may take it out on the parent they see most often or the one they blame for the breakup. Anger might show up as poor behavior and lower grades at school. Teens may get involved with risky behaviors involving substance abuse or sex. It’s always a good idea to speak to a mental health professional when you have questions or concerns about how divorce is affecting your child. At Kids In The Middle, we have been providing therapy, education and support to children and families coping with family transitions such as separation and divorce for 28 years. Our website, www.kidsinthemiddle.org is a good resource for information, tips and referrals. 

Judy Berkowitz, M.Ed.
Executive Director
Kids in the Middle
314-909-9922

Thanks for trying to deal with this pro-actively! It terms of identifying “normal” versus problematic reactions to divorce, parents should watch for behavior that fits in the following three categories:

·        Experiences significant changes such as grades dropping, losing interest in things usually enjoyed, isolating from family and friends, giving possessions away, or neglecting personal hygiene

·        Emotional changes such as feeling extremely sad or hopeless without reason, often tearful, often angry, overreacts to things, has sleep disturbance, or appetite disturbance

·        Self-defeating behavior such as substance use, truancy, stealing, or hurting people or animals. 

I also encourage you to take care of yourself during this time. Research has shown that the most damage done to kids during a divorce is often inflicted on them by their parents. Such behavior includes bad-mouthing the other parent, sending messages through the kids, using the child as a confidant, and allowing the children to feel responsible for you emotionally. You must ask yourself, is my behavior in the best interests of my child? Don’t hesitate to speak to your child’s doctor as well as his/her school counselor if you have any questions. Staff at school should be notified to be on the lookout for any changes as well. 

Susan Milliken Reid, MSW, LCSW
Marriage and Family Institute
Clayton, MO
314-495-6281

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