I have a very good friend who just learned her son, who is in his third year of college, has acute lymphocytic leukemia. Understandably, she is totally devastated. He is an only child, a brilliant young man who was born to them late in life. She can’t believe God would do this to them and there is no consoling her. She has many "dark" thoughts and her mental state is so bad that I am fearful of her actions. Is there anything I can do?

You write you are fearful of your friend’s actions, in light of her "dark" thoughts. What you can do is to let her know you are concerned about her and want to help. Are you worried that your friend is thinking about suicide? Ask her directly if she is, to let her know you are willing to hear about these thoughts and to get more information about what she most needs now. If she seems unable to talk coherently to you, you can contact her family, clergyperson or doctor to ask them to assist in getting her the help she may need. If she will talk to you, you can listen carefully to get a better understanding of what she needs to help her cope with the news about her son. She may benefit from information about her son’s diagnosis, such as is available from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (1-800-955-4512 or www.leukemia.org). She may need a mental health professional to help her sort out her feelings and decide what actions to take. You can help her clarify what she wants to do by telling her what stands out as you listen to her. Although you can’t "fix" her situation, you can help her identify, develop and use strategies for coping with her feelings.

Rebecca Selove, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist in Private Practice
Clayton, MO
314-576-9262

Your letter reminds me of my own first diagnosis of cancer. Like your friend, my mother was shaken that such a thing could happen to her son. Often, it was more difficult for her because, while I could affect the outcome of my treatment, she could only watch and hope, her helplessness adding to the desolation. What was also clear, however, was my need for her to do her own emotional/spiritual work….for my sake, if not her own. My focus had to be on successful treatment and there wasn’t much left for me to help anyone else. It is difficult to seek outside help. However, because of my mom’s great love for me, she found the courage to seek the kind of help that could help me. It was truly "courage," its Latin root "heart," meaning the attitude and virtue whose strength comes from how much one loves another. Be, therefore, a friend of both love and courage. Love her enough to talk honestly and bravely; challenge her to keep her son’s needs and ordeal foremost in her concern. If necessary, have enough love to encourage her to seek help, whether professional or a support group, that her son needs her to seek.

Fr. Jim Krings
Director of Mission Services
SSM St. Joseph Hospital of Kirkwood
314-966-1682

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