Our entire family is struggling with the death of one of our grandchildren, age 8, who died three months ago from a rare disease. I just don’t know how to tell if the other two children, ages 4 and 12, are coping well, or not really dealing with the death at all. What can I say or do to get a better handle on how they really are taking all of this in?

It sounds as though you have a close, trusting relationship with your grandchildren. The children’s age gap is significant and will be a challenge in keeping information appropriate. Listen with your mind and your heart - the children will let you know what their needs are. Accept their feelings and do not be judgmental. The four year old may be receptive to drawing and coloring; this can help to describe thoughts and feelings. The 12 year old may just like talking for a few minutes. Grief is hard work and children often delay grief as their mind and body can only handle small doses. It takes a lot of reassurance to let them know they will never forget, that they will always remember their sibling, and that the grief process takes a long time. Grief is physical. It may cause sleep disturbances, dreams, tummy aches, and may make focusing very difficult. Keep in touch with the teacher and watch for sliding grades and low self-esteem. Tutoring, counseling and support groups can be helpful. Your doctor or hospital can recommend a care provider. I suggest that parents and grandparents have sessions to find coping tools that will help the whole family. A bereaved parent’s grief is overwhelming.  It’s hard to meet the needs of the whole family. A grandparent’s grief is unique. The loss of a child or grandchild is unexpected in the natural cycle of life. Be there – with arms open, a shoulder to cry on (while your heart is feeling pain you cannot describe) and lots of warm hugs, kisses and cookies. 

Baue Funeral Homes
St. Charles, MO  63301
636-940-1000

Surviving the death of a sibling is often devastating. Kids can grieve just as intensely as adults, yet do it in a way which is often not recognized. Remember, where there is attachment, there is loss. One consideration for evaluating a child’s grief is the changes in his behavior, thinking, mood, play, etc. Your grandchildren are in very different stages of maturity. Educating yourself about how a 4 year old and a 12 year old thinks of death and the world around them can provide a basic understanding of how they are grieving. Like adults, grief is a lifelong process. As the kids mature, they will look at their sibling’s life and death repeatedly, often seeing the situation very differently. If a child is isolated or withdrawn for long periods of time, is having consistent difficulty functioning through the day, is consumed with feelings of inadequacy or despair, or is experiencing intense anger, fear or guilt, it would be wise to contact a mental health professional for evaluation. If a child is a threat to himself or others, it is extremely important to seek professional help. To support your grandchildren during a painful time, it may be helpful to offer them numerous ways of coping with their grief. Some ideas include a support group or involvement in a summer camp, storybooks, drawing, writing, physical activity, music, clay play, puppet play and journaling. 

Rebecca Sloan Byrne, Executive Director
Annie’s Hope/The Bereavement Center for Kids
314-965-5015 Office
314-368-1818 Cell
www.annieshope.org

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