My son’s friend, age 21, unexpectedly went to the emergency room because of his mental and emotional state. At the time he was talking incoherently, but for the past couple of months had been very quiet, withdrawn, had stopped playing music with his friends and showed no interest in anything he had previously enjoyed. He is now out of the hospital and somewhat better. My son doesn’t want to desert his friend, but he’s at a loss about how to act or what to say or not say when he goes for a visit.

Your son is to be congratulated on being able to reach out to his friend throughout this unexpected event. Like any illness of the body, your son’s friend has a physical brain disorder and, like anyone suffering a severe illness, needs his friends’ and family’s support. Treating him as though he is going through something that your son cares about, without pretending the problem is "invisible," is best.

Tell your son that the next step is to educate himself a little, and, perhaps share the information with the friend and his family. Here at NAMI-St. Louis, we have a HELPLine (314-966-4670) where anyone with questions or concerns regarding mental health or illness can call. Your son can get information on the disorder and some coping techniques that will allow him to interact more effectively with his friend. Having the friend and/or family call NAMI-St. Louis will allow them to hear about our family-to-family education program to gain solid, factual information on mental illness. We offer family support groups that focus on practical, positive problem resolutions for family members. Our peer-to-peer support and education groups are for those afflicted with mental illness. The best approach for everyone touched by mental illness is to take an educated look at the illness and access community support and wisdom to stay strong and connected.

Christina Dougherty
Director, Family Education & Support Programs at
NAMI-St. Louis
314-966-4670
ami4stl@aol.com

While it’s difficult to know "exactly" what will work best in any one situation, here are some suggestions to help your son support his friend during this difficult time.

• Help your friend feel better about himself. Make honest comments about things he does well or help him take on do-able tasks that give him a sense of accomplishment. Your role is not to do everything for him, but to give moral support.
• Let your friend know that sometimes you’re not sure what to do or say. Ask him what you can do to be helpful.
• Create a sense of hope for the future. Talk about things the two of you enjoyed in the past and can realistically look forward to in the future.
• Remember to include your friend in activities that he is realistically ready to participate in. This will help minimize his isolation and keep him active with basic tasks.
• Listen. This may be the most important way to help. Let your friend know that while you don’t have all the answers, you are there to hear him talk about his feelings and to offer support and friendship.
• Don’t feel you are personally responsible for your friend’s health and happiness. Do what you can, but realize that there are many other aspects (possibly medication, therapy, self-care, education, etc.) to his recovery.

LaDonna Haley, BSW
Program Director
Mental Health Association of Greater St. Louis
314-773-1399

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